Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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