theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
