I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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