Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Boobs are out for the taking
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Randomize
