I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize