I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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