So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
