I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
