I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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