remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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