shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
