He disabled his match.com account in front of me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
