he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
