i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
