he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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