You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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