I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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