He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I wish I could punch you in the face.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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