He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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