It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize