I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
tell me about the eggs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
