Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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