Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
