i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
