If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize