he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
