I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
