Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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