I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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