First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
