i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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