One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
