Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
