there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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