I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Every concussion has its silver lining
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
