whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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