When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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