My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
