I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
