Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
