omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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