I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
