A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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