the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
