Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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