Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
