I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
