I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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