Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
