dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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