i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize