I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
