WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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