I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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