I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
