as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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