Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
