My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
