So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
