I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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