TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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