Can i not drive my cunt home
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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