We're facebook friends in real life
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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